My last day in school (and yes i did go to school), it was the last hour before the summer vacations and after those vacations we would enter the "real world", college .......I was standing atop the staircase that entered in this vast open hall which was the main exit to my school.
As i stood their watching the sea of beige and white and was assaulted by the cries of 15 year old girls professing their love for their friends and how much they will miss them, i almost missed this olive skinned girl with tears running down her eyes suddenly hug me with a death grip. I remembered she used to be friend, she used to be my best friend. But it had been years since she spoke to me, i wondered why this public display of affection?????
She eventually let me go and looked at me with those honey brown eyes and said the two words that gave me relief and pain at the same time. I didnt know why at the time. And then between her tearful hiccups she said " Aash, im so sorry for ignoring you all these years, it was a decision we had made cuz you didnt fit in our group, and im very sorry"
Those words rattled my 15 yr old world...i stood there frozen and she kept talking but i couldnt hear what she said...The clincher here is that i could have gone my entire life without knowing this, cuz i didnt really notice that she and the rest of my "friends" at the time were ignoring me cuz i didnt fit in. I just thought we all drifted away like most friends do. We grew outta each other and that was my truth of the 5-6 years that she had no longer been my friend. I didnt even remember if it hurt when i must have realised we were no longer friends. Now I may be putting her in a bad light, maybe she said i didnt fit in to be kind to me, maybe there was something seriosuly wrong with me at the time, but whatever the reason ...i may have been too school for cool ....whatever.. the reason didnt matter...it hurt! and now when i think about it, it still hurts.
Our need to be accepted and sometimes even applauded makes us patsies.... And i realised that almost 15 yrs later i am still that fragile little school girl in pig tails wondering if my friends like me or care or are conspiring against me???? Paranoid much?????
What makes a friend? I sometimes feel maybe what we deem as BFF's are frenemies in diguise.
Does a friend talk about you behind your back? Does a friend think less of you? Should a friend punish you? Or maybe its nothing to do with friendship and just the maturity of the relationship. Should you always need to be applauded by friends, or maybe your confidence and security comes from within....? Now i probably must have done one or more of the things i have listed above and probably thats why i think others are capable of it. Maybe to get a true friend you have to learn to be a true friend. But who teaches you this? Parents ? Teachers? TV?
Well I hope to figure this out eventually....
As i stood their watching the sea of beige and white and was assaulted by the cries of 15 year old girls professing their love for their friends and how much they will miss them, i almost missed this olive skinned girl with tears running down her eyes suddenly hug me with a death grip. I remembered she used to be friend, she used to be my best friend. But it had been years since she spoke to me, i wondered why this public display of affection?????
She eventually let me go and looked at me with those honey brown eyes and said the two words that gave me relief and pain at the same time. I didnt know why at the time. And then between her tearful hiccups she said " Aash, im so sorry for ignoring you all these years, it was a decision we had made cuz you didnt fit in our group, and im very sorry"
Those words rattled my 15 yr old world...i stood there frozen and she kept talking but i couldnt hear what she said...The clincher here is that i could have gone my entire life without knowing this, cuz i didnt really notice that she and the rest of my "friends" at the time were ignoring me cuz i didnt fit in. I just thought we all drifted away like most friends do. We grew outta each other and that was my truth of the 5-6 years that she had no longer been my friend. I didnt even remember if it hurt when i must have realised we were no longer friends. Now I may be putting her in a bad light, maybe she said i didnt fit in to be kind to me, maybe there was something seriosuly wrong with me at the time, but whatever the reason ...i may have been too school for cool ....whatever.. the reason didnt matter...it hurt! and now when i think about it, it still hurts.
Our need to be accepted and sometimes even applauded makes us patsies.... And i realised that almost 15 yrs later i am still that fragile little school girl in pig tails wondering if my friends like me or care or are conspiring against me???? Paranoid much?????
What makes a friend? I sometimes feel maybe what we deem as BFF's are frenemies in diguise.
Does a friend talk about you behind your back? Does a friend think less of you? Should a friend punish you? Or maybe its nothing to do with friendship and just the maturity of the relationship. Should you always need to be applauded by friends, or maybe your confidence and security comes from within....? Now i probably must have done one or more of the things i have listed above and probably thats why i think others are capable of it. Maybe to get a true friend you have to learn to be a true friend. But who teaches you this? Parents ? Teachers? TV?
Well I hope to figure this out eventually....
Most of the time, our friends are a reflection of our own personalities and thoughts. So, no matter how varied their personalities may seem from yours on the surface , somewhere deep down, what brings you together is a unity in subconscious. I've always noticed, I'll always find a shallow person surrounded by even more shallow people, or then sometimes u might find an incrediblyshy person being best friends with the most gregarious one in the group, and this is because somewhere deep down inside that shy personality aspires to be like the outspoken one, no matter how much they may try to deny it.
ReplyDeleteIt is this aspiration which sometimes can manifest into jealousy.
And it is when this happens that we see people who were once close to us, drift away.
It's human, it happens to the best of us, and being a true friend is understanding your own insecurities and realising the fact that they are,most of the time, figments of our own imagination.
I always like to give people the benefit of doubt, and maybe I'm a sucker, but I do believe that most people are capable of more good than bad and I'm happy living in that little world...... As long as I have friends like you with me.
:) I love u.forever and for always.
Rads.
love you Radhe! And youre right! friends are a reflection of our personalities of desires...you, appa and almost all of my friends inspire me to be better in many ways...i also think sometimes our issues with friends and most relationships are there cuz of past hurts. Today my paranoia comes from school and fear of being all alone as well... but what you do with these fears etc is important eh? I've made my mistakes with ppl and learned , i guess what gets my goat is when im not observant enough know what whats happening or what im doing ....
Deletelove you Radhe! And youre right! friends are a reflection of our personalities of desires...you, appa and almost all of my friends inspire me to be better in many ways...i also think sometimes our issues with friends and most relationships are there cuz of past hurts. Today my paranoia comes from school and fear of being all alone as well... but what you do with these fears etc is important eh? I've made my mistakes with ppl and learned , i guess what gets my goat is when im not observant enough know what whats happening or what im doing ....
ReplyDelete